Note: my livejournal is now friends only. Send me a message if anything! :-)







I'm watching


Pleasantville


right now... exposing myself to new territorial boundaries. I need some fresh air, some new colors... I want to get away from the pasty world I've become accustomed to... to a place far away... far far away...

(EDIT: for his sake, I'll take it down and leave...)

:


I am who I belong
And here in my head
I am who I forgot
Until I'd found I'm dead

Who I am I deserve
Who I am I believe
While I had never heard
I am who I conceive

After I made the cut
The scab that had been born
After my eyes were shut
The scab that had been torn

I am my own solution
The path before me made
I am my own destruction
The truth begins to fade

I am my own descision
I am my only fate
The truth will find my vision
When life has come too late

Before I take the plunge
I am what I conceive
Before the end begun
I am what I believe









I realize that I am what I make myself out to be. And I shouldn't trample on myself any longer because people don't care. I care about what I need to say to the world. Why should I give a fuck if other people don't? I could die or live and other people wouldn't cringe a bit on hearing my death. It's not me that people should be concerned about anyways. the music and message will speak for itself. that's what is most important to me. So let it be.

I feel like shit.

I'm supposed to be studying for exams right now. Tomorrow's exams. Pre-Calculus and Physics, both of which I have 'F's in. I don't think, even if I had a 75%, that I would go up to a 'D'... i dont know... I... just don't like it. Physics, I can work on. but pre-calc... it's not my area... i shouldn't have taken the class.


I just feel like. I'm not going anywhere. Every choice I make is wrong, and I can't figure out things for myself. I feel... no, I am so indecisive when it comes to decisions that I see other's make so easily. They can make up their minds. They know where they're heading... or at least have a general sense of direction where they should be going. I have one too... but because of my utter-fucked-up-retarded nature, I realized I have chosen path's that... are not what I want in my life. Am I auditioning for theatre colleges (make that singuar) just because I'm apparently skilled in acting? Do I really love acting?... Not as much as I love music. I thought it would be wise to pursue because I have a better chance at succeeding in it... Not that success is what I'm thinking about, but I would want to earn a living... And being an actor is, I've heard, a tough job... All signs point to this: I am a weak person. How am I to fight through crowds of other people and expect to be listened to?... I... I'm expected to do other things in addition which I know I can't do.


So why am I even doing it?


I'm not just questioning my future. I'm questioning my self-worth, my ability to make a future, and if I even deserve a future. My life is going in every direction I don't want it to... Maybe that's because

I'm not going in any direction at all.

I'm here. Rotting. While everyone else... I am rotting. And I hate myself so much sometimes that I'm blind too. I'm supposed to be staying positive through these next few months. It's hard sometimes. It really is...



I can't even write anymore. I feel my writing is pointless too. Not that anyone here should tell me "It's not pointless!" Refuting the arguement doesn't help. And I mean that writing... isn't what it use to be...

I dwell on the past too much too. Another one of my major faults. And I compare myself to people I shouldn't. My boyfriend. He's got his whole life planned already... for the most part. I don't even have tomorrow, exam day, figured out.

I am fucking pathetic.



*pity party*

Sometimes I let myself realize how alone I am in the world.

And this is how I react.

I'm fucking upset. And I don't know why.
I'm mad at myself. I'm mad at joe. I'm mad at my parents, my brother.
I'm just fucking mad. I don't know why.
I think the people at school are right.
I think the people at school who seemed nice to me but then talked shit behind my back are right.
I'm just crazy.
I live inside my head.
I keep to myself.
I talk to myself.
Yeah. Sure. They're fucking right.
My fucking ass, they're right.
I do things how I deem suitable to my state of mind.
If they don't think that's right,
if my parents don't think that's right,
if joe doesn't think that's right,
well then I'm in a fucking happy position, aren't I?
I'm not happy.
I was ushering for the Winter Music Concert on Wednesday and I could feel it.
I'm not happy.
Or is this just one of those moments in time where I can't seem to... handle anything...
Joe. My parents. My family. Anything.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I should really put my piano together. And put my nose in a book.
I need the help of my friends right now.







If I help me instead of relying on others to do so, then maybe I'll be okay.






Excuse me.
I'm going now.
Off.
To California Dream.
I'm
California Dreamin'.




*stands and walks off into head*

Just now, I've started thinking about something...

Joey is over at his best friend's house tonight. Her name is Alissa (always with an 'i'). Let me restate the recently stated sentence.


Joey is over at his BEST FRIEND'S house tonight.


I rolled around with the sentence in my head for a bit and came to thinking that... Wow. I don't have a best friend. :-| I may have people in my life that imitate the role very well, but in general compared to Joe's relationship with his best friend (in particular), I don't have anyone near as close... Besides Joe himself, of course. But that's a diffrent story. True my boyfriend Could be my best friend, but in this case, let's look over that for a bit.

So! A best friend. Do I have a best friend...?

At school, I would highly doubt it. I tend to find myself as a leech to a group. Never fitting out, never standing out. Just there and around, making comments and observing. Otherwise known as the 'boring' friend everyone avoids being alone with. "A group of three, perhaps, could be endured, but God have mercy upon the soul who stands alone with that man!" (I'm exagerrating, I promise.) Though I shall admit I have been close to someone from school before. Quite close though we never hung out as much as we should have. I hope she knows who she is. :-) Ms. L...

So that rules out school (for the most part). At home, my family is just... my family. My cousins and I are too far away from each other to ever know about the going-on's of each other's lives. My brother is... my brother. And my mother and father are... my parents. Just my parents. For now.


So that leaves...

Just me. Ha! That's funny, but not suprising. I am alone on a Friday night. I'm not at some party. I'm not out to dinner with Joey. I'm not even at the movies (which I can watch for free seeing as I work there)!

But then again, let me read to you what I have written.

"I'm not at some party."

That's probably because the mere thought of getting drink makes me wobbly. Plus most the people at those 'parties' are homophobic or imitate their homophobic friends out of fear. What a wonder it is to be a teenager! It's like a puzzle that consists of two pieces being cut into a hundred: we make it so complicated... Anywho. Moving on:

"I'm not out to dinner with Joey."

We don't go out as much as I wish we could. We're both quite busy, but we do talk on the phone quite alot. *the phone bill cha-ching's*

"I'm not even at the movies!"

I didn't have a ride. Plus I thought I would do some work tonight... which never happened. Oh well!



So there you go! I basically don't have any friends. I look back to these past years and found that I did have them once though. And each time I ran the other one away. Mark (E.) found out I was gay. And while I tried to strech out my wings as a gay man, he ran for... reasons I don't particularly know. Mark (F.) and I don't speak as much as we used to... I don't know why. The entire clan of senior theatre members are exactly that: their own clan. I think I have came too late with too many dollars short to ever be one of them.

I don't mind these situtations. But I just wonder why, why, why?

I look to myself for answers and find exactly that: myself. I ran these people away, didn't I?... *thinking* For the most part yes... I think in the end, my friendships just fall apart... Though I never know if this is so I can create new friendships or force myself into other things...


For example, in 8th grade my only friend was the book in my hand. I swear to you, it was. That was the only way I survived that year. I never fit in since 8th grade which I am grateful for. I've made a friend in books! How priceless such a treasure is...

I've made friends with my music as well. And my writing..... Oh dear me...

It's late... I'm getting tired.... I don't think I portrayed my point too well in this entry. I apologize.... But basically it's this:


I am alone for the reason that I find other friends.
I just had to realize I wasn't looking for a person.
I was looking for a word, a voice, a note, a song.
And I found them all...
Now they're my best friends...
So then answer me this:
How could I ever abandon my best friends for new (human) friends?


I can't. I couldn't...

I wouldn't.

I just got off the phone with Joe. With Boyfriend. and we just had one of the most pointless conversations we've ever had. We both ran in circles about it: I said what I had been saying the whole time. He said what he had been saying the whole time. Like... broken records, each trying to play louder than the other. I have more of a headace than I did when I went into it.


But the subject matter is even more horrendous:

COLLEGE

I'm not that smart. Let's admit that. I'm more of a... heart person. I speak with my heart and with my feelings, but rarely with my brain. Thus my brain is not that exercised. So thus when I do use it, it's like having a 20 year experienced couch potato running in a 5k marathon:

Not that pretty.

The pursuit of a college, however, challenges me to use my brain and recall how my brain was used. For example, I have to examine my grades and see what college would except me. Let's have a look, shall we?

English 4 Lit. A.P. = C

Music Appreciation = A+

Physics 1 Honors = C-

PreCalculus A = D-

Theatre Practicum = A

Government Honors = C


The grades.

Not that pretty.

What I am most concerned about (as you might have guessed) is if what I choose will reflect what I love, what my heart tells me to pursue. That way if I do succeed in some form or another by touching other people (another crime of the heart), then I will have felt I chose the right way to go.

There are three ways:

English (a definite)

Music (my love)

Theatre (my talent)

I hate saying that I have a 'talent'... It's more of something I enjoy doing. Let me rephrase:

Theatre (.... enjoyed talent)

I must be honest with myself. Theatre is something I could work at. Something I could... perhaps reach out to others with. I could be a playwrit as well. I could be and do.... a lot of things, I guess.

But choosing a college makes me worry because that would narrow 'doing something' down to two things. Or even one. *Gulp*

My grades aren't that great so I opt to go to a convervatory where they accept best on abilities. I feel that my abilities lie with my Theatre world, though I don't particular have a 'passion' for it. Just a passing love. So then I go to the conservatory and feel shitty about getting a degree in Theatre, not in English or Music. I do, however, work on the side and make music and short stories... etc. Would that be bad? I guess I could do that. I would enjoy that because I could exclude myself and just work in my own little world. I'm sure if Joe or anyone else heard that, they would think "That's fucking ridiculous. How can you go into a field of work without ever getting to know people, Theatre especially? You've got to have lots of contacts and friends to get through that shit!"

And they're right. I don't fucking no anyone. If I went into Theatre, that would be the hardest thing for me to do... I don't know anyone... And maybe I don't right now because I'm here in Vegas, but... would I get to know people eventually?


I'm so torn over the whole thing, really. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I'm not exactly asking for someone to tell me what do to. I guess I just need to talk about it. And the best way for me to talk about things is just to write about... That's why the conversation with Joe and I was pretty harsh on my head and heart. We didn't get anywhere with it because I... didn't know what to say. I was honestly at a loss of words after a while because I would bring something up, and then be told exactly how I was wrong. Then I in turn would say how me being wrong is wrong. I'm not that much of a talker. I admit. I don't know if anyone, or how anyone could get that notion in their heads.

My classmate at school once told me

"Chris B., you are a joke. But you're awesome."

I took the compliment and threw it out the window. ( I don't take compliments very well.) And all I was left with was

Chris B., you are a joke."

And I thought to myself... I really am. I do so many strange things that people don't understand that people have just given up on understanding any of it. That's a good thing though. They shouldn't have to ponder over me at all. But... the comment really cut me down in the fact that... people don't take my craft seriously. I do things for a reason. I sit in front of vending machines for twenty minutes at a time choosing which soda I need to drink for a reason. People just don't understand that...


I guess people don't have to understand what they don't know right?

And if they don't know I have a craft in the first place, then happy fucking diddly for me. Cause then I don't have to deal with these people worried about

"Why does Chris look like he's starving himself? I should get him something to eat."

Or

"I'm worried that Chris is getting suicidal. The noose in his bag was not funny at all."

People can deal with more important things: Like themselves. Fuck, I'm worried more about others than I am with myself. Why? I don't matter in the whole fucking spectrum of things. I don't move mountains or start the domino effect... And if I tell myself this, then it will be true. That's why I'd rather not tell myself anything at all, but let myself come as I do....



I'm starting to think my conversation with Joe went in a circle because...

I'm just going in circles.

I'm just not going to think about it.

It's 1:44 AM. I guess I can't go to sleep again... Well that's not true. I just don't want to right now... I've been sitting at my piano sometime after I had a mentally degrating conversation with my Father. He didn't say anything cruel, but the thing was he kept talking. I was trying to say something and everytime I would start having listened for spots to pop in, he'd continue. And the monotony of it with my tired mind and my stuffy nose couldn't take it. Maybe I'm irritable because I'm tired. I hope I am. Because if I get angry of something like that even if I'm not tired then that makes me a Real Asshole.

I haven't talked in years really. I suppose I'm just trying to make up for lost times.

Something I will admit. Something completely random:


This livejournal has been my friend over the past (almost) three years... It's helped me to clear things out of my head at a grand pace. On Livejournal, however fast I could type was however fast I could speak. I didn't need to write everything out on paper like they do in diarys. But I must admit, those are much more private. I could write about what it was like to 'loose' my virginity so to speak without having people read it... I'm not really embarassed. It's just a private thing. But having it on Livejournal lets my document it.

And no, I DON'T consider that scene with my ex-boyfriend the time I lost it. To be quite blatant, I didn't cum. But... the fucker did. A lot of references to my ex. lately, huh? (Well not really)

Come to think of it, I don't have the first time Joe and I... did it. Wow, I'm so high school. I guess that will be my own buisness then... It'll be for my heart to ponder over... And to fawn over.

*sigh*

I miss him so much. I haven't seen him since the day before break started... too long for me to handle, especially since my feelings for him have been growing stronger lately.... I've been getting to know him, his perfection, and his faults. And all of it makes me love him more. It's the kind of feeling that you get for a dog who has three legs. You love the dog more because you gain sympathy for him. But in the case of Joe and I, I don't have sympathy for him. I just see him as more... human now, I guess. And I love human's. Hahaha. I love him.

I really hope I see him soon...

*sigh*

But enough mourning for now! The morning will be coming soon with the sun upon her back so I must sleep before she can dump him on me.

Crap. I better run.

Someone once told me in front of my face:


You're




A




Joke

Three cheers for the worst birthday ever.

Hip-hip
Dammit.
Hip-hip
Shit.
Hip-hip
Fuck.


Today was supposed to be a well planned out day... the first in a long time. Wake up at 7. Greet boyfriend at the door at 7:45. Eat lunch with him and my family at 11. Leave the house to drop off boyfriend at 4:45. Arrive at Brenden Theatres Staff Party at 5:45. Stay at party 'till 11. Watch 'Night at the Museum' in IMAX at 11 until the night forgot how to thrive. Morning would come. Sleep would come. Wake up at 2 o'clock the next day and enjoy the presents.

But alas, nothing ever turns out the way you plan.


Boyfriend calls to say that he is sick and cannot come. Brother leaves for work at 11:30. Lunch is ready to be engrossed upon at 11:50, when Father comes home. Birthday gifts are appreciated. DVDs all around. Sit in bed due to coldrr for six hours watching DVD's.

Fun. Fun. A rolled up fatty full of fucking fun.

In all honesty though, I guess it's alright. It's not boyfriend's fault he's sick. The poor thing actually more sick than I. I feel terrible the way his whole family including his grandmother got the virus which includes most of the unmentionables of being sick. Cole, his younger brother of 17 months... or so has it rreeaalll bad. 8 days long he has been sick with a virus that is only suppose to last for 10. His days are numbered...

The lunch just ran late. That's why my brother couldn't go. That's okay. I just hope he'll have fun at the party after he gots off of work which should be in (*sneeze*) an hour and a half or so.

The gifts included the 'Kill Bill' DVD set. A wonderful joy I look forward to enjoying. Reminds me of Nephilim. :-) A Kindergarten Cop DVD from my sister Rachel. We always use to watch that movie when we were growing up. A Wee Sing Silly Songs tape cassette. Another piece of merchandise from my childhood. Last but not least, the two seasons worth of 'Dead Like Me', an absolutely gorgeous show about death. It's actually quite comforting to be watching it as I lay here on my couch. And yes, I meant to write couch earlier. Sitting on my couch all day. I feel like a freakin' potato.

Anyways, HillTree called me this morning. That was a wonderful suprise :-) I had just been thinking about her the night before... then again I think I thought about all there is to think about the night before due to the fact that it took me three and a half hours to sleep. Then I slept for two. Woke up for another two and a half. Slept for an hour. I got three hours of sleep last night. That's probably why I feel like shit (dammit, fuck) today. My nose is pretty stuffy too... well it keeps running. That's all. Oh and this morning at 12:01 AM, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. This deeply, deeply disturbed me. It was just another fucking addition to the many reasons I couldn't fall asleep.

What does that mean that he called? It means he is still thinking about me, he still remembers me. I feel bad for the boy because when you get right down to it, he is dreaming dreams that I cannot fulfill. Cannot fulfill, will not fulfill, and will never fulfill... I've gotten over him. I've realized my relationship with him was just some crush and in reality, it meant nothing. There was no stability, companionship, or love at all. Well, I thought it was love... but it really was just a knife handed to me on a silver platter, a note written by it saying "This is for the itch you've been feeling in your wrist." I was killing myself for nothing... I am over it. I have to get over it... That way I can store those memories, feelings, and ... etc. I can take them then and deal with them in some other form.

For example, I saw Blank ( I know! I haven't mentioned that name in centuries) I saw Blank while I was working the podium at work. He passed by, gave me his ticket without so much as a glance, and I fumbled out the directions to his theatre... It had a bit more of an impact on me then meets the eye. I thought to myself after he passed "I've dealt with him and I've gotten over it. Now I need to take all that is left, organize, and then when it is painted into a picture (a blank portrait), I can bury the portrait and move on."

That's exactly what I did. I took out my pen like a sword from my sheath and wrote down exactly what I felt... It's too personal to mention now, but when it becomes what it is meant to become... And I feel it out with the feelings I had felt when it was all taking place, then and only then will I bury that portrait.

*sigh* So reflective on my birthday, aren't I? I have a lot of things going through my head right now... Thoughts about college and my questionable love for Theatre... well it's not questionable, but still is.... My thoughts about myself... and who I have grown to be over these past four years. Regret. Happiness. All in all, I guess it's been worth it. But still... there is and always will be an empty space that I will never be able to fill. And I feel like my age does not match up with my accomplishments. What have I done that is so deserving of thanks? I don't think I've done much for the world but ruin it... And I would like to change that around. I'm sure sane people would think the same.

I'm not saying I'm a plauge to human kind, but rather... I'm a disease in the way that I haven't done as much as I should have. Like a waste of time in everyone's hands...

It kills me a bit to even mention it (like another silver platter is being laid out on the couch), but... it's just the truth. And the truth is I have to do more for myself. Thus I will be able to do even more for everyone else. That's all I am honestly trying to do while I'm alive. Aren't you?


And lady says...
"I can sing this song so blue
That you will cry in spite of you
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder
Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder"

Today has been an interesting day. This is the first weekend in a long time that I didn't have to go into work. WOOHOO! that was a big suprise and relief. I did take advantage of it clothes-wise, but sadly, not school work wise....


Oh golly I need to get to bed. I'm sorry, but I really do.... crap.... Maybe I shouldn't post this entry after all.... but hell, I will. I'll get a start somehow. Hahaha. Love you all. Hope that all that is horrible ends well. ;-)


CCChris

Far too much right now. My head is like a stone. And my eyes are like mountains. I can't think straight and I'm not myself at all. But I'll be okay. I'm just too tired and I can't deal with the stress of everything right now. So I'm going to sleep it off. Thnak you. good night.

Updating.

Soon.

Last night I had a dream. I got a call from my father telling me he was at the time crushed by a chandelier at one of the hotels. He was walking with my two younger cousins, Zoe and Aubrey, when suddenly, (last summer) an earthquake hit and a chandelier fell on him. He was trapped in the hotel as my cousins stood there in horror

I remember throughout the dream crying a good number of times especially when he was calling me on the phone every hour and telling me how he was doing. Of course I also remember the door bell ringing and I went to open it. Then sat back down in the living room and looked at the fireman. He said "I'm afraid we couldn't get to him soon enough. I'm sorry."

The funny thing is I didn't cry as much after he was dead. It's not that I was happy about it at all, but I... just couldn't cry I guess....



It just makes me wonder if that is how I would really respond to my father's untimely, and eminent death. I wonder if people would cry if I died. Not that'd I go through so much to find out. But... to be honest, I'd rather people not attend the funeral, but rather the party afterwards. Enjoy my death, and that way I can enjoy mine. I'd rather have people forget about me and just move on. It's so much easier that way for them, and for me. It's not that they wouldn't care about me... It's just that I would want them to care for themselves and avoid... rather eliminate completely the pain that comes with death... at times. Death could be so easy.

After that dream, I woke up, walked over to my cousin's bed, and slept in that. There I dreamt that my school had been doing a whole bunch of drills where the whole school would hide in a place called 'The Red Room', and that's where people would be safe in the fact that no one knew it was there. Then one day as we were getting inside the room, a big pod of some sort shot out of the sky and crashed into the ground near the school. Then everyone started to run into the red room in hopes to hide.


I happened to be one of those people who ended up closing the red room up. For some reason, to do that, I had to zip up this bag. It was weird...


Umm... so then after I zipped up the bag we were in, I switched places with the person behind me (it was Erica Bobak for some reason. :-P) And she said "Oh, you'd rather have me in the front so if the aliens shoot us, I can get hit first?"

And I said "No. it's so that if they do shoot you, it will go through you and hit me. That way people behind me don't get hit."

It was probably the stupidest thing I ever said in a dream. I actually feel bad that I did that... Shut dreaming Chris!

Anyways, I've got to finish my clothes! ECK! lol talk to you all later. :-) bbyee


Love,
Chris

hey hey how are yah? well i hope. just droppin' by to say I hope you had a great thanksgiving

.... So....



"I hope you had a great thanksgiving."


:-P

So today I woke up in a rather foul mood and i went back to sleep... to wake up again in another foul mood. But anyways, I got ready to go to my Aunt's house.

*sigh* Wow lately i've been so out of it. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone at all, and.... I wanted to contain myself to me. So I put on my headphones and picked up the new book i've started to read called "Like the Red Panda". Leah L., a very good friend of mine, lent me the book centuries ago. And now I have found the mind to pick it up! And so far, it's quite quite a read. :-)

We got here to the house and I found myself not able to deal with the silence i was projecting to the world. So i shut that off, and turned my... "to pass the time" self on. Oh dear, it's horrible... I have diffrent me's to deal with diffrent situations. At least it's only for now, right?

This is probably confusing... but it IS 1:05AM and im not in that great state of mind. But whatever. I'm here and I'm just doing.

So then... it was a day of Palace Aids (card game), my sister Rachel (whom I love and adore), our plentiful inside jokes, my cousin Ben, and a phone call from a boy i have not spoken to in quite some time.

*hears a piano note hammered into the air*

I've waltz across this A minor chord for quite some time... and other beings are coming into focus to recognize the minor's presence. A dance with a certain death, if you will.

Then... I... lost myself into the moment and just did what I am doing now. Do. I just did. I do. I did. I've done. Whichever carves your epitaph (if that makes ANY sense). And now after having watched the Anime episode of South Park called "Good Times With Weapons", I come to reminisce on my last year's entry of Thanksgiving.


I just realized something! Lately I've been listening to this song called 'Annie'... well not really at all, but I listened to it for the first time in a long time of recent. And that particular song I made 'semi-lyrics' for it. I take the song's lyrics and replace it with my own...

And I made that song about

Henry.


Henry... who i dare to mention now graced me with so many things without doing anything. And every Thanksgiving... I should thank him for that.

So I shall say before I forget "Thank you, Henry for nothing." Yet nothing sometimes can mean so much.

And with that, I am off. I am going to go downstairs, or perhaps somewhere close, to sit down, relax, listen to the piano hammer more notes, and read.


:-) Good night everyone. Good night....

*Gasp*

I'VE REALIZED I NEED FRUIT!


FRUIT THAT GROWS FROM MUSIC!

The second most common cause of death nowadays right behind suicide

Is boredom.







And yes! Let's ignore the fact that I look like crap!

I haven't showered in... three days. Or so. But whatever. And I've been wearing the same clothes for three days. But whatever.



FuneMan deep in thought

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?"


Anywho, I think I may shower though. After I get my room cleaned up, I may go walking. Get me some Starbucks at the Vons near my house... Just because I feel like drinking coffee right now. Some good 'ole Starbucks. Although there ARE some better coffee places around that are much more smaller... Yet are being trampled on by this wonderful Starbucks. Maybe I'll go the extra mile and walk to "It's A Grind". Goood gooood stuff. :-)



Anywho, I will talk to you all later. Gotta finish my room! Maybe I'll put up a picture of it when I'm done. Ha!


bbbyyeee

I still haven't got my room clean. No big suprise there. It's just that Im doing it little by little. It's like the floor is coming to life on it's own. Hahaha. What good, funny times. Kind... well not. Whatever.

I was looking through some old thoughts today, and feeling them out, remembering the taste of them. They are actually quite scrumtrulescent. Thoughts about suicide (not the act, just the feeling of the act... or just how to do it, at times. Or the results of doing it... But rarely - yet still sometimes - the act.), thoughts about kindness, generosity, and self preservation. Things quite important to me. I self preserve by giving no attention to myself whatsoever. Ha!

It's all for the better-ment of things though. Hahaha I like that. 'Better-ment'. Is that really a word?

It's probably too late for me to call in at work and tell them I can work on Thanksgiving. For some reason, I'd rather be at work than at my grandma's house. I'll just close up at g-ma's. At work, I can close up nicely and neatly and not have any problems with it. By close up, I mean keep to myself. Stay in my head for the time. Give me a chance to breath and think of others. :-) It's all for the better-ment of things!


I must be Chrissy Chrissy Quite Confuzy (wtf) right now. It's basically me speaking in the elegant language of gibberish. Haven't seen an entry like this since... well never.

So how are all ya'll? I'm fine. I'm fine.



Ah. That's something I haven't mentioned before... I'm fine. Well at least hadn't mentioned before and meant it. Ha.

Sometimes I get so sick of having to say it. Having to lie blatantly in peoples faces. I feel sorry for them. That's why I keep to myself. Myself will get my pity, if I let myself have it. Haha

I can just imagine talking into a mirror

"Oh you're just a piece of crap, aren't you?"

"No, I'm being serious! I tried to hang myself last night from the shower faucet!"

"Oh quiet, you! You never told me you were fluent in B.S."

"Oh gosh."


But that's a diffrent entry. Now I feel... just like.... a caterpillar having just decided to hang upside down, curl into itself, and start a new life. Like a rose that has chosen to change it's colors. Like a moon that has decided to stop shining, I feel ANEW!


!!!!!!


A new something. A new anthing. A new me.


But time gives to cords, I always say. And time will give to the better-ment of us all....


Okay, so I'll be honest. Not COMPLETELY anew. But new enough to see I'm not who I don't want to be at all. I can be me... but I must be me. Alone. ALone to be me.



Alone. Loneliness is so underated, completely shunned by society... So much so that people who have loneliness are shunned as well. It's quite a horrible state to be in, but I'd love to be there. Just sitting in a cafe with nobody next to me, watching the people pass by and thinking "Dear golly, I think her breast look as beautiful as a moon." Then grab my pen and write...


She hath not lips of coarse or wan
Imbued on her is beauty's stain


Loneliness is the element of suprise in all of us... Then again, I should not be one to speak for you all. I take that back with apologizes. To judge is to be wrong in the first place.


In anyway, I think I better go off to be now. It's 1:15 AM and I have a long day tomorrow. I should wake up early tomorrow so I can clean up my room and work on some things inside my head.

:-) Happy Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday to you all. Whichever you fall under. :-)


Hope all is well,


Chris

This poem came about around two years ago. And it has stayed with me for longer. It's just my view on our wonderful country. At times. Not the whole of it, but some things.... anywho. Hope you're all in for a long one.

Walking through the mud and filth
Reminise on times before
Not now, I can't, I must move on
And reach forbidden doors
The Angel said "I send you out
Onto the factory."
And lest the angel told me wrong,
He has guided Heaven to me

Feet stuck inside the mud
I knocked and came to wait.
Then came to me, the man in black
Whispering to me "You have come late."
Of all the things that could have been,
I saw inside a blackened sky
I saw the fire in this big machine
Beginning to see the Angel's lie
I saw he sent me here to die
To bury my soul six feet below
But I turned towards the shattering sound
Of sinful lives and broken souls...

Beyond this wall before me
On the other side, they marched
The pounding steps I heard
Ran shivers through my spine
And I heard the voices sing
Scream, and scream, and scream, and sing

Not even I could stop this time
For as I listened to them leave
The man in black said "Face your fate
And pay the price for greed and hate!"
He grasped my sleeve and threw me down
My head and blood upon the ground
"Only God could save you now,
But faith and time have been your loss.
And for the sins that you have made
You shall suffer eternal costs."
I begged, cried, wept for mercy
For God's blessing, or a certain deal
But my destiny had been marked
And my place in hell was sealed

He brought me o'er, beyond the wall
Past smoke, into the machine within
And I saw in awe, but complete dismay
All the sinners were American.
The man shoved me into line
And I cried and cried for the longest time
For among those lives thrown into the throng
I felt like I belonged

(And I couldn't believe God had the nerve
To whisper "You get what you deserve!")

I finally realized, soon enough
Maybe I am this messed up
And all that time I nurtured my sin,
I wasted what I could have been
The gates have just been opened wide
Both to Satan and the one in my mind
I finally realized, soon enough
That I am really this messed up


I have come to be the rotten filth
That only our whole lives could tell
With my sin, singing "I am an American",
I marched my way to Hell.


American Sin.